LifeofKare

i am taking an unpaid sabbatical for three months at the end of september, 2025. i earned this time off after spending five years at my workplace. most people tend not to take time off due to the financial implications. my reasons for doing so are plentiful.

i learned that my 97 year old grandmother was dying back in january– as we all are in our own ways and timing. this shook me to the core because i had lived under the blissful naïveté that she would live to be 100 years old or more. we joked about that quite often. it didn’t make sense at the time: her becoming forgetful, her falling repetitively in the middle of the night, her last months at home. my mother cared for her daily, she hired a full-time chinese nurse, and hospice nurses visited every few days. and life continued for myself and the rest of my family.

my therapist spoke of anticipatory grief– the kind of grieving that exists in apprehension of more grief later. if the antidote to anticipatory grief is presence, what is the salve for grief itself?

i wrote a book many years ago titled, “there is no time to grieve,” and i still feel this is true. when the grief strikes, it is instantaneous, it is guttural, it is inconvenient. my work gives me two days off to manage my grieving, i try not to cry in public, i try not to cry in front of my friends, i try to stop crying in front of my family. i wonder why nobody in my family cries about this. i question my relationship with my grandma and if she knew i loved her. i wonder if i had said it or demonstrated it enough. i talk about her in present tense.

when life strikes, it does so with a vengeance. the voice is not small, it is purposeful and daring. i decided to make a change in my career around this time– to stop masking who i wanted to be and start being unabashedly myself. this driving force allowed me to save up enough money to fund my mortgage, living expenses, and cat care for three months. my goal during this time from october through december is to do all the things i crave. i’ll be writing more poetry, publishing poetry, creating and selling my paintings, teaching more aerial yoga, spending more time with my partner and my cats, helping my parents out, cooking, meditating, grieving, recording podcast episodes, enjoying san diego, and creating a life worth remembering.

this sabbatical is dedicated to my grandma for being the invisible force that holds the fibers of my family together. for granting me this life of privilege through dedication and love. for continuing her support for me from the astral realm. i allow myself to give my grief a home during this time.

love always, karen